When The Hell is The First Day of School?

It’s time for these little motherfuckers to go back to school. My kids. Your kids. Be Be’s kids.

Stone Cold Daddy has had enough of being sideswiped by razor scooters and damn near hitting bikers with his car. Stone Cold is fed up with teens blowing through stop signs in their parents’ cars. In addition, I think my neighborhood’s teens have had enough cheap vodka nips and asked enough adults to buy them cigarettes.

Then there’s the case of my 5 year old: a fresh out of preschool, sassy, strong minded, pain in my ass. She’s cute and darling as a button, but this is the same jerk who tried to derail a summer family photo shoot by throwing a fit for no fucking reason in her new dress. None of the shenanigans vary from the usual bullshit, but without the buffer of preschool, the daily grind started kicking me in the nuts even harder.

Why don’t you put her in camps?

Why don’t we put her in camps? Glad you asked. She has gone to several hour long activity camps, and one half day camp. Although they solved a fraction of the “what the hell do we do today?” puzzle, an additional set of daily hiccups have emerged:

Wardrobe Disfunction

Me: You can’t wear a dress, it’s a sports camp that revolves around moving around.

Her: NO, I WANNA WEAR A DRESS, I WANNA WEAR A DRESS

[SCENE]

Imperfect Attendance

Me: You excited for camp today?

Her: Yes!!!!

*arrive at camp*

Me: Ready to have fun?

Her: (Gripping my shorts) NO, I want daddy, I WANT DADDY!!!

Me: (throws her in the car and leaves skid marks speeding away)

[SCENE]

Inconsistent Bedtimes

Me: Time for bed, it’s very late.

Her: Go fuck yourself.

Me: Very well then.

[SCENE]

In spite of all the good hype the summer gets, it is really just a fucking nightmare with a gallon of sunscreen.

I am counting the days until one of my favorite periods of year. It begins in mid-August and stretches into the first week or so of September. It’s when Stone Cold starts roasting the hell out of any student whom will be saying goodbye to summer and hello to school again. The trash talk knows no age boundries; Stone Cold will be putting the verbal screws to all students age 5 thru asshole.

I’m gonna point fingers and laugh at them while they’re back-to-school shopping at Target. I’ll throw in a Carlton Dance should I see a kid frown when their parents suggest stopping a Wal-Mart on the way home for a couple more things.

Stone Cold is gonna tap a keg of confetti, and toss it on every high school senior turned college freshman. I will photograph the faces wondering how they went from being at the top of the world to the bottom of the food chain faster than they could say “fake ID.”

And my favorite part of all?

Well that would be a few weeks after school begins and the luster of summer has finally morphed into a pile of homework and a shitty curfew. That’s when Stone Cold will start waving his diplomas in one hand and a middle finger in the other with a “Sucks to still be in school” t-shirt on. It will be epic.