This is Stone Cold Nuts, Part I

Chances are, you’ve been asked several of (if not all of) the following:

“Are you dating anyone?”

“When’s he/when are you popping the question?”

“When are you going to have kids?”

“Is he/she sleeping through the night?”

“Are you going to have any more?”

In addition to fighting the sensation the choke the life force out of the 100th person to ask you one of those, you probably spit out some generic response. At this stage of my life I’m getting the “are you having any more?” shoved down my throat and up my ass from all directions. Ironically enough, Stone Cold loves answering this one with anything BUT a generic response. My favorites include:

“Fuck no.”


“Fuck no.”

[blank stare]

“That shit ain’t gonna happen.”

“Fuck no, with a capital Fuck.”

Stone Cold loves his two kids, but if a third pops up, I imagine a chain of events involving my sanity would warrant a post from a guest writer titled “Stone Cold Goes to Jail Following Legoland Massacre.” To ensure Stone Cold’s family of four stays a family of four, I’ve issued a 187 order on my nuts.

Stone Cold’s friends and family have heard him use the word ‘vasectomy’ more than Kanye West hears “Go fuck yourself.” When my daughter was potty training and painting the wall with feces, Stone Cold used ‘vasectomy’ in jest. After my son started trying to crawl into the fireplace, I started following ‘vasectomy’ on Twitter and Instagram. Thus, Stone Cold’s sperm are officially on death row.

My current thoughts on my upcoming appointment with the Sperminator:

1) Yes, of course I’m fucking nervous: There ain’t no playing it cool when someone’s strapped with sharp objects hanging around your nuts playing God. Stone Cold isn’t nervous enough to reconsider, but nervous enough to whisper words of encouragement to his nut sack on the regular since booking the appointment.

2) I’m at odds about how to feel about my nuts’ 15 minutes of fame: When it comes to Stone Cold’s testicles, Stone Cold would rather they not be the main characters in any of my life’s short stories. Now they’re front and center until they heal from being assaulted with a deadly weapon.

From a figurative perspective, my dice are about to be involved in a violent crime. Considering that at length is keeping Stone Cold up at night. More to come on my nuts (you most definitely saw what Stone Cold did there).