Stone Cold is about to share some candid thoughts about his nuts. If you have a problem with that, skip this post, read another post, or return to some other blog. This is some real shit.
Last week my daughter struck me with considerable force smack in the nutsack. I recoiled in pain, bit my lip, flipped her the bird behind her back, and limped away. Minutes later, I started wondering:
What will that feel like after the procedure? Will my balls hurt the same? What the fuck are these questions? And why am I asking out loud?
Weird shit starts going through your mind when your ability to participate in reproduction is on death row. Here is some of said weird shit floating around in Stone Cold’s head right now:
1) I can’t wait to have this done….wait, what the fuck did I just say? Stone Cold doesn’t want any more kids. I made that perfectly fucking clear, hence the vasectomy. Insuring my two beautiful kids won’t have additional siblings is one thing. Looking forward to the measures Stone Cold is about to take is a different thing.
2) I really need to stop thinking about the details involved in the procedure. Stone Cold is going to do
you a favor and leave it to you to decide if you want details on what exactly the doctors do here. What I will tell you is that they make you watch a video of what you’re signing up for. I’d rather watch the vaginal births of triplets, but that’s just me.
3) “You dumb shit, why did you book an appointment for Friday the 13th?”
The lady asks if Friday the 13th works for my vasectomy. I said “yes.” What I thought was “I don’t want my nuts sliced on Friday the 13th.”
— Stone Cold Daddy (@Stonecolddad316) April 28, 2016
Not smart to book this shit on a day associated with bad luck. What could go wrong? Not that Stone Cold is worrying about infection, pain, psychosis, and forced retirement from masturbation due to fear of touching myself. Not ‘worrying’ is different from not ‘thinking’ about it. Speaking of shit I’m thinking about…..
4) Antonio Cromartie Vasectomy procedures are about 99% sure of preventing pregnancy. The one percent chance of failure is reserved for the unluckiest sons of bitches on the planet. Antonio Cromartie is on the list of said unlucky sons of bitches.
He has fathered 10 kids by over a half dozen different women across America and his deadbeat dad status puts him on a list of super douches. His super sperm is on a list of super sperm given he fathered twins after his vasectomy. Read that last sentence again. Stone Cold is no scientist, but this leads Stone Cold to believe that science ain’t got shit on the power of super sperm.
Add all of this shit up, and you have a sum of what the fuck?! Whatever. Stone Cold is still going through with it…..for now.