Stone Cold Daddy practices Christianity, and just like any good Christian, I fail and shame the Ten Commandments more than the Bravo network shames humanity. Some say they’re up for interpretation. Call Stone Cold bilingual because I have broken every interpretation of those shits.
Unlike the souvenirs from Moses, The Stone Cold Commandments aren’t up for interpretation. They are as is, and Stone Cold will never fucking compromise their integrity. Should you want to parent the Stone Cold way, this is your kid’s gospel according to Stone Cold.
1) Thou shalt recognize the existence of God: I mean, how else do you explain what prevents us from setting you (our kids) on fire, being locked in a padded room, or going all terrorist on that ass? Recognize fool.
2) Don’t think I won’t break your shit: Don’t let commandment #1 or the fact that I won’t hit you make you think Stone Cold won’t bring the pain. Last time I checked, burning your toys, canceling Christmas, and making you wear headgear to school were well within the law of all 50 states. Don’t fuck with me.
3) Thou shalt do what I fucking say: I’m not a courtroom, Yankee swap, or a democracy of any kind. You will do if I say, because I said so.
4) Thou shalt not talk back: Stone Cold can live on beans, protein powder, water, and vegetables. You will too if you think talking shit to me is cool.
5) Honor the Stone Cold Sabbath: Stone Cold is going to endure an arseload of games, recitals, boyfriends I want to kill, gut-wrenching expenses, and shitty television programming over the course of your life. You will let me watch my fucking football.
6) Thou shalt not take Mommy’s name in vain: ‘Mommy’ is her name, not a get out of jail free card or someone to ask when Stone Cold says no. There is also no reward for saying it several thousand times an hour.
7) Thou shalt not ask me to buy you shit when we are out unless we are out specifically to buy you shit. If you want to see why they call me Stone Cold, break this commandment. I’m begging you. Poke the fucking bear.
8) Thou shalt not touch a gaddamn thing: If it doesn’t have your name on it or a label indicating age appropriateness, that’s red flag number 1. If it looks cool, but doesn’t belong to you, that’s red flag number 2. If in doubt, and you touch it, pray it doesn’t break, or I will buy you glasses and make you carry a newspaper to school.
9) Thou shalt go to the fucking potty: It’s my job to clean up your shit. It’s not an Olympic sport of let me see if I can hold this shit. As a parent Stone Cold must build a tolerance to human excrement. Don’t push the envelope.
10) Don’t embarrass me or I’ll embarrass the holy hell out of you: Stone Cold is immune to tantrums. Go ahead and have one in public. I’ll videotape that shit, throw it on the internet, and hash tag the hell out of it. Your classmates will be sent the link the moment being cool becomes important to you.