The 5 Translations of “..because I said so.”

They say the average child asks over 400 questions a day. I’d wager that more than half of them are or begin with ‘why’.
“Why can’t we go to the movies?”
“Why are we here?”
“Why are we leaving?”
“Why are we having this for dinner?”

Just typing those sample ‘whys’ gave me a gaddamn migraine. It’s not my purpose in life to be a dick to my kids, so more times than not, I’ll honor the first 20-45 ‘whys’ of the day with regular answers (note: said 20-45 whys can occur before getting out of bed). Unfortunately, those whys are often unlimited and an untapped method of torture at Guantanamo Bay. “Because I said so” or BISS is the master key for all whys. It’s a finishing move, and in many cases the line between a sane parent and violent act of crime.

Not all BISSs are created equal, however. Here are the translations:

BISS Translation #1: You are confusing this Dictatorship with some sort of Democracy –  I told you to clean up. It’s  a pretty fucking uncomplicated directive. I’m the parent. BISS.

BISS Translation #2: Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry – 

Bill Bixby uttered that line playing the role of David Banner in regards to the fact that when angered he turns into a very large, roaring, raging, green monster. Many use it to the day nearly 40 years later facetiously. I’m not being facetious. You say why one more time and I’ll make the Incredible Hulk look like Jiminy Fucking Cricket. BISS.

BISS Translation #3: I’m exhausted, I can’t speak anymore English –  

You probably just asked me why for a legitimate reason. Unfortunately, your brother didn’t sleep all night and I’m losing my mind. I can’t answer your question because I can’t answer your question. BISS


BISS Translation #5: Daddy fucked up, and admitting that to you just ain’t gonna happen today. Unfortunately, you might have to eat shit – Sorry. BISS.