Stone Cold Hacks

Stone Cold Daddy is a gas bag of empty rhetoric and shit to say in regards to parenting that most people don’t give a shit about. Every now and again however, I take time to impart wisdom/knowledge from my personal stash of helpful shit.  That’s Latin for “maybe you’ll dig some of my stupid human tricks.”

If you want a list of mind blowing hacks, these cats put together the motherload. If you’re still reading this, take a look at some Stone Cold-not-so-mind-blowing hacks:

1) The Wipe the Nose/Face Move: When attempting to wipe the noses of babies/toddlers, they get all Tasmanian Devil on that ass.

Stone Cold handles that by taking a tissue or face cloth and merely placing it somewhere in the middle of a child’s face. If you can hold the tissue steady, the kids will all but wipe their noses themselves when they start twisting their heads like the exorcist is on his way over.

2) The Grip Release Move: Babies grab shit. They pull shit. It’s not in their nature nor agendas to let go of shit. When said ‘shit’ is hair, skin, fragile objects, and their siblings, we generally want the to let go, right?

The common approach is to peel their fingers off. Unfortunately, babies can grip the hell out of shit. When attempting to peel their fingers off something, they re-grip with a death grip. Suddenly it feels like we’re going to break their fingers in the process of peeling them away. Kids are some strong motherfuckers.

Next time you’re dealing with the baby death grip try this: gently rub the back of their fingers. You will be shocked at how quickly they loosen their grip. As soon as they let up, remove whatever they were gripping our of their hands before they realize they got billy bojangled.

Use this trick as much as you can before it’s too late. Around the time they can articulate 6-7 words, you’re shit out of luck.

3) Culinary Scissors: “Daddy could you cut my toast in 7 pieces?” “Daddy, cut the crust off, I don’t like the crust!” “Daddy, cut the black parts off!”

I comply with the above demands from my daughter because it’s all I can do to keep me from eating a bleach and thumbtack sandwich in a bathtub with a toaster. Still, that’s a lot of cutting, and the more often you cut food for your kids, the more specific (and possibly hostile) the cutting demands are.

This is why you eliminate knives from the equation. My name is Stone Cold Daddy, so keeping knives out of the same sentence of my name is already a necessity for any given day. It also saves me time if I use scissors in place of a knife to do my kids’ food slicing.

I’m a parent, not a chef. Stone Cold doesn’t serve for style points, he serves for screaming midgets carrying his DNA. By the time I grab the right knife, a cutting board, and secure a safe cutting space, a pair of scissors could have turned a slice of pizza into a dozen pieces suitable and safe enough for said midgets to get after.

Drop the knife, pick up the scissors. You can thank me later. I’ll thank my sister a in-law for that one now.

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Took this using the video capture method…. used it for the Stone Cold Xmas card!

4) Make them sit still for pictures. Yeah, right. There’s a betterchance of Moses showing up to babysit. Kids only sit still for pictures when they’re not smiling, giving bunny ears, sticking their tongue out, or some other shit we don’t want documented in what we hope will be a ‘good’ picture.

[Enter technology]

Try this: when it’s time to say cheese, take a phone video. When the natives get restless, stop recording. Later when you’re locked in the bathroom hiding out from your family, take still shots from the video. 9 times out of 10 you’ll be able to grab a couple of frames worth framing. (I don’t care if you didn’t see what I did there)

Got some tips of your own? Leave them in the comments below………