Stone Cold Daddy was once a stone cold little shit raising hell and making memories that would have been blog-worthy for Stone Cold’s parents if they had blogs back then. When the old man and mom dukes laid down the law to my chagrin, Stone Cold vowed that he would parent without a telephone pole in his ass.
Fast forward to present day during which said telephone poll is in my ass.
A lot of head shaking, lip biting, and the muttering of four letter words under Stone Cold’s breath figure into the picture when I hear myself say a lot of the shit my parents used to say. Most of the channeling of Stone Cold’s parents’ vernacular, Stone Cold vowed to never repeat as a parent.
Fast forward to my kids fucking up, and Stone Cold repeating shit his parents said that he promised never to say. These are the most oft quoted:
1) Go to your room: This one’s a classic that actually feels pretty fucking good rolling off the tongue. One of the reasons it does is because it actually means “Get the fuck out of my face before shit gets real.” Yeah, I said I wouldn’t say it ever, but damn it if it doesn’t make Stone Cold’s day letting this line fly.
2) That’s what we’re having for dinner; if you don’t eat it, you won’t eat. Stone Cold’s daughter is borderline malnourished because she’ll only eat pizza, pancakes, and processed snack food. She’ll go on hunger strike until she’s allowed to sink her teeth into her menu that’s the same length as a post-it note. To Stone Cold’s delight, the pediatrician told us that making our little girl eat what we’re having the only meal choice was fine.
What the doctor conveniently left out is that this plan of attack would send Stone Cold’s daughter into violent fits of rage. Nonetheless, as my parents before me, I won’t be held hostage and at the mercy of a toddler at Stone Cold’s dinner table.
4) Don’t talk back to me. The late great Bernie Mac once said in regards to smart ass kids, “If you’re grown enough to talk back, you’re grown enough to get fucked up.” No, I’m never going to take a hammer and knock the fuck out of my kids, and I will always fight off the urge to put a rubber bullet in their chests.
That doesn’t mean there ain’t a figurative keg of whoop ass behind every warning not to talk back to Stone Cold. Stone Cold never thought he’d say it but I never imagined I’d need the grace of God NOT to say “Don’t make me throw you out the window.”
5) I’ll give you something to cry about. This warning meant a belt, a yardstick, or a piece of a tree in Stone Cold’s youth. Times have changed. Now it means Stone Cold potentially hanging their toys out of the window of a moving car with every intent of letting them fly if the youngins don’t chill the fuck out. Now it means Stone Cold might have to viciously murder the elf on the shelf in front of them. It also means a potential bonfire with your Barbie dream house and all your My Little Fucking Ponies.
This particular line is a threat of Stone Cold consequences, but not the consequences Stone Cold faced in his day. Speaking of back in my day….
6) Back when I was younger An angel dies a violent death every time I hear myself say this. It’s the dumbest fucking thing old people say. One thing Stone Cold remembers well is that kids don’t give two ant shits whatever the hell parents suffered through as a child. If kids can’t appreciate receiving a gift without being held at gunpoint to say thank you, they sure as shit won’t appreciate how much better they have it than Stone Cold did.
7) Go fuck yourself. No, my parents never said this (out loud)……but now, Stone Cold has an idea of how much they thought about it.