Ridiculous but Historically Accurate Reasons For My Daughter’s Meltdowns, Vol 6

Hola, amigos. I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been pretty fucked up.” Jim Anchower, The Onion

It most certainly has been a long time since Stone Cold spoke to you. Sorry about that. Things are great. My daughter will only eat pizza and curses the earth with 10 more plagues when I offer anything else. She pees her pants for sport and laughs as we clean up the carnage.

She’s also developed an addiction to Teen Titans because Stone Cold is the dumb shit that let her watch it in the first place. She counters facts I present to her with untruths beyond any imagination just to fuck with Stone Cold. She declared war on her respect for authority that she’s currently winning which makes Stone Cold the one who’s getting his ass whooped.

And thus, this growing list won’t stop. Can’t stop. This list is the worse than The Nothing from The Neverending Story on course to destroy everything in its way. I am convinced she will reduce this world to rubble if she isn’t granted her every wish.

Here again are more reasons for the eruptions of Mt. 6 year old….

1) Spelling her last name.

2) Arguments suggesting things unraveling on television shows aren’t real.

3) Daddy burning make believe food.

4) Strawberry milk.

5) Failure to end the life of an ant more than 5 seconds following an in-home sighting.

6) Eating chicken.

7) The possibility of not being able to wear her favorite nightgown to school on pajama day.*

8) Taking a walking route she swears is longer than the one she prefers even though it’s much shorter than the one she prefers.

9) Yearning for Mommy’s attention whilst inches away from Mommy.

10) Home-made bagel bites.

11) Playing kids music in the car after said music was requested by her.

12) Requiring her to wear socks with her sneakers.

13) At a suggestion she hang out with yours truly.

* – She refused to listen as I tried to explain to her that morning that the nightgown was in the dryer and would be ready well before she went to school. Of course it was in the dryer because I had to wash it along with her urine soaked sheets she desecrated hours earlier in her sleep.