Ridiculous But Historically Accurate Reasons for My Daughter’s Meltdowns, Vol. 5

Stone Cold deliberated long and hard before deciding to write about one of his top three most traumatic parenting moments to date. Thinking about it makes me break out in hives and contemplate turning to recreational drugs. I have to get it out of my system.

The bride of Stone Cold was in charge of the trip to our daughter’s gymnastics class last year. Stone Cold filled in one day. The moment the little psychopath found out I was driving her, she unleashed holy hell upon me:

“Daddy, you know how to get there?….. Do you know where it is? …..You know where to turn?…..that’s not the turn….daddy this the turn…..NO DADDY YOU MISSED IT THE TURN……NO, TURN AROUND….YOU GO THE WRONG WAY!!!! STOP THE CAR, STOP THE CAR!!!…..TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW!….YOU TURN WHEN I TELL YOU TO TURN!!!….I WANNA GO TO GYMNASTICS, I WANNA GO TO GYMNASTICS, I WANNA GO TO GYMNASTICS, I WANNA GO TO GYMNASTICS!!!

In addition to nearly flipping our automobile, my life flashed before my eyes several times and I ruined my shirt from the blood pouring from my ears.

Thanks for bearing with me.

Anyway, you know the deal. Once again, here are several additional triggers to my daughter having nervous breakdowns.

  1. The suggestion of eating protein.
  2. Shoes that fit perfectly fine being too tight.
  3. Polenta
  4. Walking distances she can and has run with ease.
  5. Not being permitted to take her baby brother’s spot in the stroller.
  6. Malfunctioning a/v equipment.
  7. Suggesting she wear a different pair of shoes for a particular outfit.
  8. Going to the library.
  9. Not having a cover-up of choice for her bathing suit before going to the pool.
  10. Starting the car before she and/or Mommy is in the car.
  11. What she deems unsatisfactory assistance at the playground (on slides, monkey bars, etc.)
  12. Mommy’s outfit not matching her own.
  13. My inability to control the weather.
  14. Not having her preferred brand of butter.