Stone Cold is still standing here, but that’s not for trying to get knocked the fuck out by my wife inadvertently. I’ve fucked up Valentine’s Day in the past. I’ve scored several ‘F’ grades for the bride of Stone Cold’s Birthday. Then there was the one time I fucked up Mother’s Day…..less than 3 weeks after she gave birth to our first born.
How the hell do you fuck up Mother’s Day?!
I’m a man, I was born to fuck shit like this up. Stone Cold learns from his mistakes, even if he learns those lessons with the bride of Stone Cold’s foot in his ass.
I am still unsure of all the reasons I was put on this earth, but one of them is saving other Dads from a few ass whoopings. Never do this shit on Mother’s Day:
1) The Trap: Us men fail tests from our better halves we don’t even know we’re taking. One we’re known to fail on occasion is the “You’d better not say yes” trap. This test comes in the form of a question, statement, or request in which we should respond with the opposite of what seems the appropriate response. Examples include “You don’t have to get me anything” or “No, I’ll be fine, have fun with your friends.”
The Mother’s Day trap is “Can I help with that?”
Forget about what kind of ‘wife’ trouble you could be subject to. If you let your wife do anything on Mother’s Day, Stone Cold is gonna beat your ass. I don’t give a damn that you’re a SAHD and go above and beyond all week. I don’t give a damn if you’re sick. I don’t give a damn if she whipped out the shotgun and threatened to open you up if you didn’t let her help. Remember what her vagina did for you on your child’s grand entrance?
Get the fuck out of my face with excuses.
2) Tuning into a game while her eyes are open There is no game. Say it with me…
There is no game.
There is no game.
Check out #1 again. I forgot to include, “you can watch the game,
3) Mother’s Day isn’t to be combined with any other holiday or special occasion. At last, we have arrived at Stone Cold’s fuck up. I gave the bride of Stone Cold a pair of diamond earrings for her ‘push’ present a few weeks prior to Mother’s Day. Stone Cold thought the weight of that gift could count for Mother’s Day as well.
“You dumb shit.” -Me to myself….every day.
Yeah, the earrings were bomb, but not bomb enough to erase a holiday from the calendar. This shouldn’t even be an item on the list since it’s so fucking obvious. However, a mantra Stone Cold lives by is to never underestimate the power of stupidity. There might be one of two of you out there that need to see this.
4) Don’t let Mommy play Mommy You are a single parent. Poops, pukes, and other problems are your responsibility. Mommy plays auntie. She can play, laugh, hug, and kiss the kids, but when shit hits the fan, she can be ghost while you smile and say, “I got this shit.”
Happy Mother’s Day from Stone Cold Daddy! Here’s to daddy not fucking up…..hopefully.