Ask Stone Cold: How to Deal With Tantrums

Stone Cold Daddy’s brand of parenting rubs some people the wrong way. They can come to my house for a nice mug of shut the hell up. There are select others who seek Stone Cold’s advice, and Stone Cold is happy to oblige.

Stone Cold, what do you do if your child is having the most horrible tantrum ever? 

Abigail M, Somerville, MA

One reason my heart goes out to you is that I know the struggle of dealing with horrible tantrums. The other reason my heart goes out to you is because you still give a shit if your child is having a tantrum.

Stone Cold doesn’t do a gaddamn thing when his kids are having a tantrum. I have never responded to yelling and Stone Cold sure as shit doesn’t try to reason with crazy people. Tantrums are nothing more than your kids losing their fucking minds. Trying to find a sane way to deal with that is like trying to find a band-aid to patch up a wound from a shotgun.

My facial expression in the face of a tantrum is exactly as you’d expect Stone Cold’s face to be: Stone Cold. If we’re in a restaurant, I settle up and get the hell out. If we’re in a shopping mall, I drag their asses the fuck out. If we’re at home, I merely walk away. Whatever I do, getting flustered, frustrated, or bent out of shape aren’t among them.

Look, Stone Cold doesn’t have time for that shit. All households are different, but try your best to appear as if you don’t give a good gaddamn when they raise Cain. Let em scream, let them kick, hell get under a doorway or hide in the bathtub like there’s an earthquake and ride that shit out.

You might not be able to make them stop, but you can sure as shit get on with your life till the noise dies down. Remove all fragile and sharp objects from their reach and get on with your life. Fuck them.

Be sure to leave a comment or email me at <> with your questions.