Back to School Interview With a 5 Year Old

Since arriving in the “what the hell is all of this shit with school” phase of parenthood, I’ve learned that you can make a child unravel and become potentially violent if you ask them how their day went.

Stone Cold Daddy had to wait until Back to School Night to find out what the hell my 5 year old was doing all day in Kindergarten.  When I ask her what she did, she tells me she can’t remember, or all about her best friend, Absolutely Jack Schitt.  The only school-day-related information Stone Cold can depend on daily is the unspoken message hidden in each shrug of the shoulders.

I present to you a transcript of what happened when Stone Cold asked a 5 year old hell bent on snack time and television about her day:

Me: What did you do at school today?

Her: I don’t know.

Me: What?

Her: I don’t know! I didn’t say anything

Me: Do you remember what you did

Her: (Grunts, puts her feet on me, and sucks thumb)

[Long Pause]

Me: So you didn’t do anything at school today?

Her: I DID! I CANT REMEMBER!!

Me: Are you sure you can’t remember?

Her: Um hmm. Curls up in ball.

Me: Who did you see today?

Her:  I can’t remember…..AND for lunch, they had pizza.

Me: I thought you didn’t remember anything

Her: I DO!! I DO only remember the pizza. I still don’t know what to do.

Me: I thought we were doing an interview.

Her: NO, Uh uh.

Me: So the interview is over?

Her: I don’t know what that means!

Me: It’s when I ask you questions.

Her: I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT

Me: That’s what we’ve been doing.

Her: No it’s not, you asked me about school, and I DON’T REMEMBER!

Me: That’s what an interview is. I ask you questions about things. I’ve been asking you about school.

Her: NO, NO, I’m not going to do that!

Me: So the interview is over?

Her: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Me: Would you like a snack?

Her: (nodding violently) YES PLEASE.