Back to School for Stone Cold

It seems like yesterday Stone Cold nearly died from laughing at his high school buddy George faking a seizure with Alka-Seltzer in English class. Or the time my first grade class heard the sound of urine spraying from our classmate under his desk. Or the time Stone Cold called his science teacher a cross-eyed mongoose out loud.


Now I’m a parent watching his daughter start Kindergarten. The commencement of her full day schooling has exposed me to a shitload of brand new parenting situations that have Stone Cold a little shell-shocked. Yesterday I was trading my cookies with a classmate for half his Lunchables, and now I’m a pubic hair away from the gaddamn PTO, packing lunches, and staring down the barrel of a Parent-teacher conference.

As irony would have it, my daughter’s principal looks like MY elementary school principal. Naturally I freeze up in her presence and hope I’m not sent to her office even though I’m 39 years old. Instead of worrying about having my shirt tucked in, I’m always worried I’m fucking up pick up/drop off protocol.

My daughter’s in school with more kids, older kids, and kids I can blame her bad behavior on. The influx of new peers has in turn led to me spitting out more parent lines my parents used to spit at me….

Her: Lisa doesn’t like her pb and jelly that way.

Stone Cold: If she joins a go-to-fucking-bed cult, you gonna do that shit too?


Her: None of the other kids do that!

Stone Cold: Those kids didn’t come out of your mommy’s vagina. You did, however.

or my favorite

Her: I am not doing that, ever!!

Stone Cold: (under his breath) You ready to die today, sweetie pie?

I don’t know. Bottom line is Stone Cold Daddy needs to man up, bend over, and deal with all the permission slips, chaperoning, bake sales, and after school activities coming out of his ass. From the looks of the faces/body language of fellow parents with older kids at my girl’s school, this shit is only going to get worse. With book reports, science projects, and standardized testing on the horizon, perhaps I should just thank the Christ I don’t have to do her homework yet……even though I’m chomping at the bit to fuck that up too.