7 Reasons Not to Have Kids

Stone Cold Daddy dot com wasn’t conceived because Stone Cold thought it would be fun. It isn’t a blog I keep just to have a fucking ‘blog’ like every other Fuck, Chuck, Mary, and Harry out there. No. Uh uhh.

Stone Cold Daddy was born from the depths of parenting carnage that have transformed me into a potentially violent psychopath. Stone Cold is at the mercy of two individuals weighing a combined

....and this is the easy part.

….and this is the easy part.

50lbs. Stone Cold is a shell of whatever the hell he was before he was doing parenting shit.

Now I’m not saying that I was ever cool, sexy, or destined for anything phenomenal before I had kids. What I am saying is that it’s scientifically impossible for the adjectives ‘cool’ and ‘sexy’ to be associated with my self-image ever again. Parenting doesn’t make you feel cool. I don’t change diapers and feel sexy. I teach discipline out of fear my kids may kill someone or blow up some shit, not because I have delusions of making history.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, don’t make any fucking kids. Here are 7 crucial reasons why:

1) Your reflection may terrify you: I’ll walk past my reflection while out in public and get the urge to call the cops on myself. There are times when I want to make an effort to look good, but run out of time. There are other times when Stone Cold has plenty of time and just doesn’t give a shit. Instances like these will do that to you.

I’ve showered less this year than you did last month. I own several pairs of jeans, slacks, and shorts, but chances are I’ll only wear one pair a week. When I DO wear a nice outfit, I feel like an awkward adolescent in his Sunday best for one of the three days a year he’s at church.

None of this is to say that my situation is a given for all parents. Just know that my profile isn’t unique, and disgustingly common……and I’ll blow you when I start giving two shits.

2) Brain cells are obliterated: There are times when I will legitimately struggle to remember how I came to be at a given place at a given time doing a given thing. Other times I feel like I traveled through time and just appeared in some random place and am scrambling to blend in before anyone realizes I don’t know what the fuck is going on.

Saying shit all the gaddamn time to someone whom you need to listen, but won’t listen fucks with your head. Keeping your cool in the midst of toddler screams is comparable to filling out a mortgage application while getting punched in the face.

The struggle to contribute to society in a normal fashion while parenting is kicking your ass melts brain cells. What’s weird for me is that I can actually pinpoint where formerly formidable functions of my brain have taken the hits. Sadly, I’ve come to terms with the fact these brain cells aren’t coming back.

Decimated areas of an alcoholic’s liver never return even if the person stops drinking and lives a healthy lifestyle. Stone Cold has found out the hard way that brain cells decimated by his kids are gone forever.

3) It’s disgusting: Aside from the thought of being submerged, I barely flinch in regards to human feces. If you don’t have kids, you may be on your way to projectile hurling. You parents out there are probably nodding.

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Honorable Mention Reason: they will break your shit for sport.

Stone Cold Daddy smelled awesome while his son was regurgitating breast milk on his clothes….except the polar fucking opposite. My heart broke when my daughter puked all over herself and her bed in the middle of the night. That said, it was Stone Cold’s responsibility to deal with the puke all over her clothes and her bed in the middle of the night.

Par. For the course.

Potty training will bring you to your knees and to the brink of a poop induced coma. You will wear snot like cologne. You will wear chewed food like jewelry. Your odds of getting someone’s puke in your mouth will be higher than you think.

If you’re disgusted, please know that the above statements aren’t hyperbolic by any means. This shit is real, bitches.

4) Mom/Dad Wars: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the shit you see on tv about moms judging, one-upping, and rumbling with each other is real. Near fist fights materialize debating  the pros/cons of breastfeeding, how long to breastfeed, co-sleeping, crying-it-out, homeschooling, and/or a shit load of other hot button topics.

Dance recitals and youth sports can morph into war zones faster than you can say “I thought this shit was supposed to be fun.” Sure, the events are supposed to be fun and games for the kids. Unfortunately there are a lot of parents at these events on edge like they’re on the sidelines at the Super Bowl or the voices in the head of Kanye West.

Violence, yes violence, has erupted between parents because of shit related to their kids’ participation in character building activities. This means that extreme caution must be exercised around parents capable of inspiring a violent movie for the Lifetime network. Parenting also means constant conformity to ridiculous shit making life conducive to no one aside from the psychotic parent that’s bitching about something asinine.

Ironically this post and the rest of this blog paint Stone Cold as an example of said parent. You’ve read my writing….would you fuck with this parent?

5) They will hate you: They’re beautiful, heart-warming, and mostly a delight to be around. A parent’s job is to teach these beautiful human beings that life sometimes requires doing things you don’t want to and not always getting what you want. This contradicts kids’ first months out of the womb when parents let them do as they please and give them what they want. The kids in turn get pissed and raise hell while their parents tell them it’s not okay to raise hell.

Stone Cold Daddy is often unsympathetic to anyone under 4 feet tall throwing fits over things I’ve learned not to give a shit about. That said, even when I play the role of softy parent and try to console my daughter during one of these I get slapped with hell and brimstone from my hating midgets anyway. Thus….

6)You will hate them back: The bride of Stone Cold spent a great deal of time one morning braiding our daughter’s hair and weaving in decorative ribbons and girly do-hickeys. The result was impressive. Guess who wasn’t impressed with one braid being a centimeter uneven with another…..

Our daughter’s screams of protest rivaled those of lambs during routine slaughter. I sent her to her room and she went all nuclear on our asses.

“You ungrateful bitch” the bride of Stone Cold said. An appropriate response would have been, “that’s harsh, take it back, that’s our daughter you’re talking about.” What I said was:

“Fuckin’ right.”

You won’t hate them for real obviously, but you’ll hate the things that they do. Wait, scratch that. You will hate the way you feel about them in given moments. No wait, scratch that too. Kids make you feel angry enough to….no, that’s not it either.

You actually will hate them. You will love them to death…..but you will hate them in the heat of various moments.

7) You’re not me: These little motherfuckers may drive Stone Cold crazy, but I wake up every day and keep coming back for more. I’m battle tested and always battle ready. The daily battle leaves me physically drained and brain dead, but I’m better for it. I love those midgets to death. I’m stuck in this shit, and I’m sticking with this shit.

I live for this shit.