If you’re nervous about flying for the first time with your kids, it’s perfectly fine. You should be fucking nervous, nay, terrified. It’s a fucking nightmare. Chances are, you don’t have the stomach for it. Chances are, you’ve been avoiding the first time at all costs. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re shit out of luck and the clock is ticking before your first rendezvous with TSA and your walking talking/screaming luggage.
The bride of Stone Cold and I have done the wings and tiny things trip plenty of times. It’s still a pain in the ass, but the first time was sodomy. Divorce, homocide, suicide, and genocide were all on the table. You’ll think Stone Cold is exaggerating until your first urge to swear is upon you the day of your flight. I’m hoping that compiling this list will limit the extent of your rage to dropping a few ‘oh fuck’s rather than dropping a few 187s.
Please don’t fly with your little shits before you read this shit:
1) Tell your spouse you love them and other nice things the night before the trip: Because it’s gonna be hard as fuck to say anything nice to them when you want them dead. First flight with children will blow the shit out of your nerves and put your temper on severe tilt. Our spouses usually bear the brunt of the fallout. In the heat of the moment the weight of the situation will make you think of some horrible shit. You’ll need to hold on to the nice things shared with each other the night prior. It may take a while to get back to something genuinely warm and fuzzy.
2) Infant in arms is an official thing, not just a benefit: The good news is that if your child is under the age of 2, they can fly without a ticket as long as you keep them in your arms. The bad news is that if you’re a dumbass like me, you’re going to find out the hard way that there are important steps to take to take advantage of this benefit.
You can’t just show up for your flight with your baby. When buying your ticket, you need to check a box or some shit stating you’ll have your baby in tow. If you just show up without doing so, your little dude ain’t getting on that plane without a charade at the airport that’s sure to make you miss your flight.
One more thing: if your kid is taller than 30 inches, you need to bring their birth certificate. If you’re like Stone Cold, I know you want to be all like fuck da police. If the child is clearly too small to be 2 or older, why should you need proof? I’ll tell you why. It’s because fuck them, that’s why. But hey, rules are rules.
3) Pack LIGHT: Snacks and elephant tranquilizer are the only things you should carry in bulk. Limit the amount of outfits you bring for yourself and your kids. If you’re visiting a place with a washer/dryer, limit that shit even more.
4) People are Dicks: I know your worst nightmare is your child driving other passengers crazy. We do our best, but sometimes kids just go all nuclear and shit and there’s nothing to be done. Shit happens. Most people will accept that, but there are penis-heads out there who will act as if their lives are ending just because a kid is losing their shit.
Fuck those muthafuckas. You owe them nothing.
Strap on your eye daggers and shoot them a tall glass of shut the fuck up. Do they think you’re making your kids flip the fuck out on purpose? When people start being dicks to Stone Cold, Stone Cold Daddy gives the dick right back. It’s stressful enough getting your kids on the plane, you don’t need shit from assholes that need to get over themselves.
5)Fuck the rules: Screen time limits, junk food limits? Throw them out the window. Whatever you need to do to keep those kids at bay, do it. Ice cream for breakfast? Fuck yes. 17 episodes of Dora the Explorer? Fuck yeah. They stay content, you stay sane and avoid having to kill them or any number of other people.
6) It sucks…..swallow it: Even after you become a pro at this, it will suck all the same. So does potty training, teething, puberty, and Sponge Bob. Come to terms with the nature of this beast, and start mentally bracing yourself days in advance. You stick to this plan, and you may avoid murdering 6-7 people.