4 Uncomfortable Truths About Your Children

Generally speaking, we all think our kids broke the mold and set new standards for cute. They light up our lives. We beam with pride when they take a step, say their first words, graduate, and reach various other milestones. Their very existence transcends ‘special’ in our eyes. They’re a delight to the world…..


Do the wonderful things about our kids delude us? Are we so blinded by our personal parenting bubble that we are prone to become oblivious to how the rest of the world sees our spawn?

Hell to the fucking yeah.

Stone Cold is about to rustle a few feathers here, because some of you aren’t going to like this shit. The truth of the matter is that although our kids mean the world to their respective parents, they’re just ordinary blobs of flesh in the eyes of the world. Their DNA makes them special, but that’s where the ‘special’ stops for the most part.

Reality bites. It’s a jagged little pill. I’m a 90s man. Pardon Stone Cold’s digression.

Someone or some people have called your baby ugly. Your kid sucks at soccer. Your kid is annoying AF. Someone hates them. Someone you see all the time considers your pride and joy to be an ordinary pocket of space in comparison to their kids.

This is some harsh shit ain’t it? Stone Cold is toeing the line (if not stomping on it and pole vaulting over it), isn’t he? Stone Cold is a stone cold asshole for even implying this shit in jest isn’t he?

Yes. Yes. And hell yeah.

Unfortunately, I’m spitting the truth, and that’s the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so. Here are 4 harsh truths all of us parents must accept about our seeds.

1) No One Cares About Them: Once you have kids, most of your conversation topics are about your kids. You’ll find some way to mention your kids in the conversations that don’t have anything to do with your kids. You can’t not talk about your kids.

Unfortunately, no one gives a shit. They’re not listening to you.

It’s not that people check out when you start spitting an anecdote/story about your kids. There’s just a built in ceiling on how much they bother processing before they check out. Parents welcome stories, but many times they’re prompted to start talking about their kids almost as fast as you talk about yours.

When someone’s pushed beyond your kids’ story listening plateau.

Most parent to parent conversations are merely back and forth announcements about their respective spawn with little to zero regard of what the other parent said.
Non-parents? Mean ones un-friend you if you’re a serial poster of your kids on social media. The nice ones look for exits when they hit their listening limit. For people who don’t have kids, little Jimmy’s tantrum at Target doesn’t rate as newsworthy. You’re better off asking them about their previous night at the club or what they do with their free time……then proceeding to judge them for not knowing the struggle.

2) Their Talent Isn’t Exceptional: Kids with exceptional talent don’t exactly grow on trees. If they did, the term ‘exceptional’ wouldn’t exist. This is why the terms pretty good, average, mediocre, and, not-very-fucking-good are in the dictionary.

Cute….moderately impressive. Keyword=moderately

Chances are, your child’s educational advancements, sports stories, and/or activity lists are noteworthy…..NOTE-worthy. As in ONE note, maybe a sentence or two. Not a fucking Dateline exclusive.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t be proud of every positive step your child takes. A 1st poop on the potty, a role in a play, or a first goal/touchdown, is PLENTY to be proud of as a parent. That said, unless your child is killing it on Broadway, headed for the NFL draft, or in the Jeopardy tournament of champions, an “OMG” or a “holy fucking shit” is likely unwarranted. Don’t be surprised to be met with a healthy dose of list item #1 when discussing your kids’ talent.

3) They’re Brats….ALL of them…Mine Too: Your kids may not be behavior abominations 24/7, but every child with a beating heart has the ability to push the limit of bratty shit they can get away with……and they will exercise said ability like the fucking Dickens.

Brat 101

Children can (and will) go from angelic to spawn of hell’s finest in an instant. They all throw shit. They all embarrass you in public. They all actively ignore every one of your explicit instructions until you have a) questioned your ability to communicate, b) wondered if they’re deaf, c) heard yourself utter every fucking line you heard your parents shout at you when you were actively ignoring shit they were spitting in your direction.
And if all this weren’t enough……

4) We Teach Them to Be the Best Brats They Can Be: Most adults will admit they’re still figuring this life thing out. In the midst of their confusion, they/we get the genius idea to multiply that confusion by making additional human beings and teaching them the meaning of life we have yet to figure out.

What happens when people get confused? They get frustrated, for one. What happens in the midst of frustration? Annoying shit. How do we feel when annoying shit happens?

We get all crazy mf’n bullshit on that ass.

We yell, throw things, eat terrible food, and have a tendency to become unhinged for the most trivial of reasons. Remind you of anyone else you know?

If we freak out over not being able to find our keys, we shouldn’t be too shocked when the kids freak out over broken crayons. We get pissed at ourselves for having kids, and our kids in turn get pissed at us for having them and being alive in general.

The ultimate uncomfortable truth is the ultimate paradox: our greatest source of joy is our greatest source of misery. Stone Cold loves his kids. Stone Cold also says repeatedly, “fuck these kids, go to bed.” They’re bundles of joy and chronic pains in our asses. Beyond and behind the glory lie the unfortunate truths to which we are often blinded.

That’s Latin for I understand while not understanding why you hate my kids and I hate them more.