There are so many great things about being Stone Cold Daddy. Stone Cold can say shit you’re scared to say, “like I wanna fight these fucking kids.” I can flip my kids off to their faces and spend my nights practicing to blame it on other kids if my kids start doing it in public. And I have no remorse for provoking a tantrum out of my daughter at bed time and using it to excuse me from reading a book I don’t want to (or any at all).
(The above statements may be hyperbolic. I will not confirm nor deny. Indict me.)
Stone Cold enjoys being a stay at home papa, but there are some things that pain me to the core about this gig. Several of those things, I can do little to jack shit about. That’s just how it goes.
1) Sweats vs Yoga Pants: I mentioned here that my appearance horrifies me at times. Taking care of youngins during the day means ya gotta dress comfortably. Most days I use that as an excuse to dress like a homeless person. There are days when Stone Cold will look at himself In the mirror and ask himself “are you really going to leave the house dressed like that?” Most days I look right back at my judgmental reflection and say “you’re gaddamn right I’m leaving like this, go fuck yourself!”
Anyway, yoga pants and other sports clothing is all the rage for moms on the SAH job these days. Yoga pants fit the ‘comfortable’ requirement AND look good. Moms can dress for the park the same as they would dress for a workout and look good doing it.
On the flip, if I go to the grocery store in workout gear, sweatpants, etc, I look like a big piece of trash who has given up on fashion, dropped all ambition, and has no interest in looking good ever again. Not that I give a crap or anything.
2) Mommy is still the best:
[Made 5’s meals, went to park, read 2 her, let her watch Sofia]
Me: What was your favorite part of the day?
5: When mommy came home
— Stone Cold Daddy (@Stonecolddad316) June 23, 2016
Dads just can’t add up to mommy. It ain’t gonna happen. Mommy’s get top billing in the parenting department, end of discussion.
“But Stone Cold, I’m a SAHD, I do all the cooking, read with awesome voices, chauffeur to gymnastics events, and take the kids to the park.”
Sorry to break it to you, but that means shit in comparison to carrying a growing human being inside of your body, and letting them kick the shit out of you (literally). Being a mom also begs the question of why the human vagina isn’t the 8th wonder of the world.
Suck as it may, Stone Cold can swallow this truth, and all of you dads out there need to as well. That’s the bottom line because I said so.
3) Being Mistaken for a Creep: Stone Cold is a man who stays home to raise his kids during the day. I am not a fucking pederast. As soon as I hit the playground or the park however, some parents/grandparents/care providers start helicopter parenting their kids and shit if I get close…..even if I’m wearing my infant son (like, what the fuck do you think I’m going to do?)
Look, there are some fucked up motherfuckers out there, and you must exercise caution. Ironically, I also take precaution sometimes when other parents get close to my kids at the park. Unfortunately, that means as much as I hate being looked at as a creep every now and again, I understand…..I keep my head down at dance rehearsals and remove my sunglasses at the playground so everyone can see my eyes. If a kid starts talking to me, I try to find their parent and make friendly eye contact before I hear sirens.
This leads me to:
4) Eating Shit: America has progressed to a place where it’s not a novelty for a dad can stay home with the kids. Someone just forgot to tell a fraction of the population that.
When I am out and about with the kids without the bride of Stone Cold, some nice citizens will approach me and comment on the ‘great’ thing I’m doing in reference to being an active father. I wholeheartedly appreciate the props as long as you give the same props to moms out and about they see alone with the kids. I’m just doing the same shit she does.
Unintentional backhanded compliments aside, a fair amount of people assume a fair amount of stupid shit about my SAHD gig.
-Some folks think Stone Cold is doing mommy’s job.
-Some folks think I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
-Some folks ask mommy questions about our kids that I am better suited to answer.
Stone Cold and the rest of the SAHDs of the world have to take this shit without going all mixed martial arts on that ass. We eat shit from our kids at home and hit the grocery store to eat some more.
Tomorrow or the next day you’re going to see a full time dad on duty. Chances are he’s dealt with all of the above and more before lunch. Just because Stone Cold can take it without going stone cold crazy, don’t think it means that I don’t want to beat everybody’s ass. I’m good at my job and I love this shit. Practice noticing me doing my job without looks of shock or condescension.